Inocencia egoísta. / Selfish innocence.

Sinceramente, no sabría decir si quiero que estés conmigo. De lo que estoy segura es de que no quiero que estés con nadie más.

Honestly, I don't know if I want you to be with me. But I'm quite sure that I don't want you to be with anyone else.

"Amigos." / "Friends."

Me duele que me llames tu amiga. Me molesta porque no te comportas como un amigo.
Francamente, a veces preferiría que dejaras de decirme 'Te amo' si después vas a decirme 'Gracias por ser mi amiga'. Porque yo quisiera más que eso. Quiero todo o nada.
Pero supongo que ese es un problema normal, la naturaleza humana, siempre queremos más.
Aún así, realmente me gustaría saber qué pensás cuando decir eso. Es confuso para mi, quizás vos también estás confundido o no saber si yo siento lo mismo por vos. No lo sé, pero odio no saber.

It hurts when you call me your friend. It bothers me because you don't act like a friend.
Frankly, I would rather you stopped saying 'I love you' if then you're going to say 'Thanks for being my friend.'. Because I want more than that. I want it all or nothing.
But I guess is a common problem, the human nature, we always want more.
Anyway, I really want to know what you think when you say that. It's so confusing to me, maybe you're also confused or you don't know if I feel the same for you. I don't know, but I hate not knowing.

Confundida. / Confused.

A veces cuando hablamos siento que en realidad estoy hablando con dos personas distintas. Bueno, quizás no taan distintas... Ambos se interesan por mi, pero en maneras... diferentes. Duele a veces. Y es confuso, ni siquiera puedo explicarlo.

Sometimes when we talk I feel that I'm actually talking to two different people. Well, maybe they aren't sooo different... Both care about me, but... different ways? It hurts sometimes. And it's confusing, I cannot even explain it.

Especial. / Special.

A veces me pregunto si es muy egoísta el querer ser especial, aunque sea ser especial para una sola persona en todo el mundo.
No pretendo que esté conmigo todo el tiempo...
Ni que cumpla todos los caprichos que pueda tener...
No tenemos que vernos todos los días...
Ni tenemos que hablar todos los días...
Solo quiero saber que pase lo que pase, siempre voy a ser especial para esa persona de la misma forma que ellos lo van a ser para mi.

Sometimes I wonder if it's selfish to want to be special, even if I want to only be special to just one person in the whole world.
I don't pretend them to be with me all the time...
Nor is it necessary for them to fulfill every whim I may have...
We don't have to see each other every day...
We don't even need to talk every day...
I just want to know that whatever happens, I'll always be special to that person in the same way that they're going to be special to me.

Pain.

Sometimes I wonder if you even realize how much you can hurt me with some of the comments you made...

It makes me feel that at some point everything we do is pointless and I hate feeling that I've been losing my time...

I actually enjoyed everything. So it really hurts when you make me feel that you didn't.

... But yeah, I guess it could be just me and my tortuous mind.

Unwanted.

I feel sad and... kind of unwanted. When people ask me 'How are you?' I say 'Fine.' just because I'm afraid I may hurt them if I say that I feel unwanted because... They are talking to me, so they obviously like talking to me or something.
Is weird, isn't it? The people I love the most, those he care about me... I can't talk to them about that either, when it shouldn't be like that, I should be able to talk to them about the important things. I don't want to hurt them.
But for some reason, there are days when it doens't matter if someone tells me 'I love you.' or 'You're really important to me.', I feel it's an illusion, it's not real... And I hate that feeling.

Idiotas. / Idiots.

A veces siento que no sé cómo mantener una conversación. ¿Es muy estúpido esto o le pasa a mucha gente?
Me pasa en particular que tengo muchas ganas de hablar con alguien y cuando la oportunidad llega mi mente se queda en blanco y ya no sé qué decir. O quizás tengo muchas cosas para decir, cosas que pensé en comentarle y cosas que se me ocurren en el momento pero pienso que esta persona va a pensar que es estúpido o por ahí ni siquiera estoy segura de cómo hablar de eso, cómo meterlo en la conversación o no puedo elegir de qué quiero hablar primero y... no digo nada.
Igual no me siento tan mal porque... Tengo la sensación de que a él también le pasa lo mismo, siento que quiere hablar conmigo pero tampoco sabe qué decir. En ese caso somos dos estúpidos que no saben que decirse, no sé si será bueno pero un poco me tranquiliza pensar que no soy la única.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to have a conversation. Is this stupid or it happens to everybody?
It happens in particular when I really want to talk to someone and when the opportunity comes my mind goes blank and I don't know what to say. Or maybe I have many things in mind to say, things I thought before I'd talk about, and things that come to mind at the moment but I think this person will think it's stupid or I'm not even sure how to talk about it, how to put it in the conversation or I can't choose what I want to talk about first, and... I end up without saying anything.
Anyway I don't feel that bad because... I have the feeling that this also happens the same to this person, I feel like he wants to talk to me but he doesn't know what to say. In this case we are two idiots who don't know what to say to each other, I don't know if it's a good thing but it reassures me to know that I'm not the only one.

Sad and Stupid...

Lately I feel that I'm annoying you...

I know it's not a weird feeling, because I'm aware that I can be annoying and usually I feel like I annoy everyone.

But I don't care about everyone else, I just don't want to annoy you.

"Are you okay with it?"

NO, IT BOTHERS ME, IT BOTHERS ME A LOT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? 

I'm going to let you do it, because I know you want that and it makes you happy... Besides, it shouldn't bother me... I think a lot about it and it shouldn't bother me. 

I hate when you do that, but I love that you asked me. That means that if I say no you aren't going to do it, right? I hope so, at least... I'm never going to know because I already said yes. And I don't regret it, because I hate being bothered by things that shouldn't bother me.

The only thing I ask, is that you have to keep being the same towards me, okay? Just that, that's all I want, I won't feel replaced that way...

Unsent messages.

I feel bad, partly because I can't tell even half of the things I want...

And the only I have to actually put it into worlds is here, I don't know why but... it's so difficult to tell you this directly I don't even know if you read this blog I can't continue keeping everything to myself because it's painful.

But even with the distance or for the short time we know each other I really appreciate you, I admire you and you mean a lot to me.

Do you know how is it like when you feel nothing? When there's nothing you want to do? You're nothing and everything just happens around you and you're never part of that, but it doesn't ever matter to you because at some point you don't even know how hollow you are...

... but then you start feeling something. Even if it doesn't make sense, even if it looks stupid for the rest of the world... I am starting to be happy now, somehow thanks to you. I don't even understand why... but I'm really happy when we talk... it doesn't matter if it's the most pointless chat in the world, if it's the shortest conversation, I don't care because the fact that we're talking is enough to make me smile.

I feel motivated to actually try to live, I'm trying to find a job, though I can't get any because I'm useless... but I try, I try because I want to have money to travel and get to meet you some day. Just because of that, I'm really pathetic and stupid, don't you think? To be like this, to hold on to you so desperately...

But you know what? It's okay to be this stupid, because at least I'm a happy idiot and I have a reason to do things, though if it's hard...

And it really hurt me when I can tell you this things, you have no idea how painfull it is... Especially when you're sad because I feel that I don't even deserve to be your friend if I can't help you.

I feel like the worse.... but I don't want to be empty again... but what can I do if I'm not brave enough to talk to you now?

I'm not brave enough to do the only thing that really makes me happy...

Me duele. / It hurts.

Me pregunto... ¿Qué duele más? ¿Amar a alguien a quien poder ver o hablar con esta persona siempre pero que no siente lo mismo por vos, o tener un amor correspondido al que no podés abrazar, besar ni tocar?


I wonder... What hurts the most? To love someone who you can always see and talk to but they don't love you back, or to have a reciprocated love but you cannot give this person hug, a kiss, not even touch them?

No tengo paciencia. / I have no patience.

Cuando le comenté a mi mejor amiga sobre mis amistades por internet ella me dijo:

"Ay sí, te re-entiendo... Es muy difícil cuando te empieza a gustar alguien así. 

Ponele yo estoy chateando con este chico de San Clemente, es re-lindo, tenemos un montón de cosas en común y lo re-amo pero nunca vamos a poder estas juntos porque vive muy lejos."

Sí...
Seguro me entiende...
Debe ser tan complicado querer estar con alguien que vive tan lejos...
... Que habla tu mismo idioma....
... que vive en el mismo país que vos...
... a tres horas de viaje.

Entonces ella empezó a lloriquear porque le hice pensar en su amor imposible. Intento ser comprensiva y consolarla pero a veces me dan ganas de pegarle...

When I told my best friend about my internet friends she said:

"Aw yeah, I totally understand how you feel... It's very difficult when you start liking someone like that. 

For example, I'm chatting with this guy from San Clemente, he's supercute, we have lots of things in common and I really love him, but we will never be able to be together because we live far away..."

Yeah...
Sure she understands...
It must be so hard when you want to be with someone who lives so far away from you...
... Who speaks the same language as you do...
... who lives in the same country as you...
... a three hour trip.

Then she started whining because I made her think about her impossible love. I try to be understanding and comfort her, but sometimes I just want to smack her head...

14/02/14

Nunca le presté atención a San Valentín, es una de esas fechas que no creo que tengan real significado y cuando era más chica casi ni se lo nombraba (básicamente solo en los dibujitos animados).
En los últimos cada vez cerca de estas fechas pasó un par de veces que alguien se me declaraba o algo, alguien que tristemente no me interesaba o a penas conocía pero no quería llegar a conocer...

Pero este año fue diferente.

I never paid attention to Valentine's Day, is one of those dates that don't have a real meaning to me, and when I was younger it was barely mentioned (mostly only in the cartoons).
In the past few years, around this date it happened a couple of times that someone told me that they were in love with me, someone who sadly didn't interest me or I barely knew but I didn't want to get to know them either...

But this year was different.

¿Qué es lo que quiero? / What do I want?

Cuando la persona más importante para mi me dice que "Sos genial.", "Sos linda.", "Te amo."... algo me impide creer esas cosas.
Esta persona no está interesada en mi. Simplemente es agradable con todo el mundo. No soy especial. ¿Por qué permití que se volviera especial para mi?
Pero no es del todo cierto. Le creí, me lo tragué completamente la primera vez que me dijo... la primera vez que alguien me hizo sentir que yo era, aunque sea ligeramente, importante para otra persona. Y quizás era verdad, pero no era única.
Lo que quiero... ser especial, ser única para alguien. ¿Es muy egoísta, no? Me siento despreciable.



When the most important person to me tells me things like "You're great." "You're cute." "I love you"... something prevents me from believing those things.
This person isn't interested in me. He's just nice to everyone. I'm not special. Why did I allow him to become someone special to me?
But it's not entirely true. I believed him, I bought it completely the first time he said... the first time someone made ​​me feel like I was, at least slightly, important to someone else. And maybe it was true, but I wasn't the only one.
What I want... to be special, to be the only one for someone. It is very selfish, isn't it? I feel despicable.

Estupidez humana. / Human stupidity.

¿Es tonto enamorarse por chat? Supongo que sí. Pero yo ya he chateado con tantas personas, de tantos lugares, a veces conversábamos todos los días y si no lo hacía extrañaba a estas personas pero porque me aburría, no porque hubiera desarrollado un apego emocional.
¿Cómo estará? ¿Qué estará haciendo? ¿Pensará en mi de la misma forma que pienso yo en él todo el día? Son algunas de las preguntas estúpidas que me vienen a la mente y evidencian que esta persona me ha pegado un poquito más fuerte que otras. Ahora estoy de viaje en Mendoza y no me conecto todos los días... Y lo extraño... Con sólo decirle 'Hola, ¿Cómo andás?' y que me conteste 'Todo bien', ya soy feliz, me siento aliviada.
Oh, eso no es todo el problema. Él vive como a 10.000 kilómetros de mi.
"Estúpida" ya está muy visto.

In addition...

Is it silly to fall in love via chat? I guess so. But I've chatted with many people, from so many places, sometimes we talked every day and I missed these people when we didn't talk but because I was bored, not because I've developed an emotional attachment.
How is he? What's he doing? Does he think of me in the same way that I think about him all the time? These are some of the stupid questions that come to mind and show that this person has cause a stronger impact on me than others. Now I'm traveling to Mendoza so I'm not online every day... and I miss him... If I only say 'Hi, how're you?' and he answers 'I'm good' I am happy, I feel relieved.
Oh, but that's not the whole problem. He lives like 10000 kilometers away from me.
"Stupid" is overused.