Especial. / Special.

A veces me pregunto si es muy egoísta el querer ser especial, aunque sea ser especial para una sola persona en todo el mundo.
No pretendo que esté conmigo todo el tiempo...
Ni que cumpla todos los caprichos que pueda tener...
No tenemos que vernos todos los días...
Ni tenemos que hablar todos los días...
Solo quiero saber que pase lo que pase, siempre voy a ser especial para esa persona de la misma forma que ellos lo van a ser para mi.

Sometimes I wonder if it's selfish to want to be special, even if I want to only be special to just one person in the whole world.
I don't pretend them to be with me all the time...
Nor is it necessary for them to fulfill every whim I may have...
We don't have to see each other every day...
We don't even need to talk every day...
I just want to know that whatever happens, I'll always be special to that person in the same way that they're going to be special to me.

Inconstante. / Erratic.

Sometimes I don't realize how fickle I can be, and how sensitive and moody I can be. But when I noticed it,  I already walked into this whirlwind of emotions and it's too late.
I want completely shut and seclude myself from everything. But then something happens and get excite, I start to think that maybe it's worth to open up a little. For a while I think I'm happy but then I get destroyed, I scupper and I suffer...
I want to isolate all over again, the cycle just starts anew.
And I'd give anything to disappear.

A veces no me doy cuenta lo voluble que puedo ser, de lo sensible y malhumorada que puedo ser. Pero cuando lo noto, ya entré en ese torbellino de emociones y ya es tarde.
Quiero cerrarme y recluirme por completo. Pero entonces algo pasa y me ilusiono, empiezo a pensar que quizás sería bueno abrirme un poco. Por un rato creo que soy feliz pero después me destruyen, me hundo y sufro...
El ciclo se repite, me quiero aislar de todo
Y daría lo que fuera por desaparecer.

Unwanted.

I feel sad and... kind of unwanted. When people ask me 'How are you?' I say 'Fine.' just because I'm afraid I may hurt them if I say that I feel unwanted because... They are talking to me, so they obviously like talking to me or something.
Is weird, isn't it? The people I love the most, those he care about me... I can't talk to them about that either, when it shouldn't be like that, I should be able to talk to them about the important things. I don't want to hurt them.
But for some reason, there are days when it doens't matter if someone tells me 'I love you.' or 'You're really important to me.', I feel it's an illusion, it's not real... And I hate that feeling.

Sad and Stupid...

Lately I feel that I'm annoying you...

I know it's not a weird feeling, because I'm aware that I can be annoying and usually I feel like I annoy everyone.

But I don't care about everyone else, I just don't want to annoy you.

"Are you okay with it?"

NO, IT BOTHERS ME, IT BOTHERS ME A LOT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? 

I'm going to let you do it, because I know you want that and it makes you happy... Besides, it shouldn't bother me... I think a lot about it and it shouldn't bother me. 

I hate when you do that, but I love that you asked me. That means that if I say no you aren't going to do it, right? I hope so, at least... I'm never going to know because I already said yes. And I don't regret it, because I hate being bothered by things that shouldn't bother me.

The only thing I ask, is that you have to keep being the same towards me, okay? Just that, that's all I want, I won't feel replaced that way...

Unsent messages.

I feel bad, partly because I can't tell even half of the things I want...

And the only I have to actually put it into worlds is here, I don't know why but... it's so difficult to tell you this directly I don't even know if you read this blog I can't continue keeping everything to myself because it's painful.

But even with the distance or for the short time we know each other I really appreciate you, I admire you and you mean a lot to me.

Do you know how is it like when you feel nothing? When there's nothing you want to do? You're nothing and everything just happens around you and you're never part of that, but it doesn't ever matter to you because at some point you don't even know how hollow you are...

... but then you start feeling something. Even if it doesn't make sense, even if it looks stupid for the rest of the world... I am starting to be happy now, somehow thanks to you. I don't even understand why... but I'm really happy when we talk... it doesn't matter if it's the most pointless chat in the world, if it's the shortest conversation, I don't care because the fact that we're talking is enough to make me smile.

I feel motivated to actually try to live, I'm trying to find a job, though I can't get any because I'm useless... but I try, I try because I want to have money to travel and get to meet you some day. Just because of that, I'm really pathetic and stupid, don't you think? To be like this, to hold on to you so desperately...

But you know what? It's okay to be this stupid, because at least I'm a happy idiot and I have a reason to do things, though if it's hard...

And it really hurt me when I can tell you this things, you have no idea how painfull it is... Especially when you're sad because I feel that I don't even deserve to be your friend if I can't help you.

I feel like the worse.... but I don't want to be empty again... but what can I do if I'm not brave enough to talk to you now?

I'm not brave enough to do the only thing that really makes me happy...