Inocencia egoísta. / Selfish innocence.

Sinceramente, no sabría decir si quiero que estés conmigo. De lo que estoy segura es de que no quiero que estés con nadie más.

Honestly, I don't know if I want you to be with me. But I'm quite sure that I don't want you to be with anyone else.

Melancholy.

There are times when I miss you so, so, so much... 

Then I wonder, how can someone miss something or someone they never had? But I do. I miss the delusion of having you close to me and talk to you, even if it's a meaningless chat, even just 'Hi, how's it going?' 

And it hurts so much not being able to find you when I need you, just as much as it hurts when I feel that I can't be there for you when you may need me. 

Because when I tell you that you make me happy I'm not lying... For whatever reason it is, you do make me happy.

Rejunte de emociones.

Creo... Bueno, en realidad es un hecho ya -aunque yo no lo haya dicho-, que ambos tenemos el mismo miedo a que el otro desaparezca. Ambos tememos perder al otro, que por algún motivo se aburra y nos deje de lado. Suena bastante tonto a decir verdad. No debería haber nada que temer, si ambos nos queremos de esa manera entonces nada malo debería pasar, o al menos eso creo yo.

Quizás él siente ese miedo porque yo no le digo lo que pienso ni lo que siento... Supongo que debería.

Después de tanto tiempo sintiéndome mal, me hizo bastante feliz el saber que se siente así.

A veces me desespera un poco, tengo que admitirlo también. No siempre lo entiendo. Hace algunas cosas que me hacen pensar ¿Qué está pasando? ¿Intenta herirme o qué? ¿No se da cuenta o no piensa que esas cosas me pueden hacer sentir mal? ¿Digo algo?

Él me hace feliz, eso se lo he dicho por lo menos... No tengo ni idea de porqué, pero lo hace.

Debería decirle lo demás, supongo... Aah, pero no puedo, no me sale.

Tengo miedo.

Pain.

Sometimes I wonder if you even realize how much you can hurt me with some of the comments you made...

It makes me feel that at some point everything we do is pointless and I hate feeling that I've been losing my time...

I actually enjoyed everything. So it really hurts when you make me feel that you didn't.

... But yeah, I guess it could be just me and my tortuous mind.

No puedo. Lo siento... / I can't. I'm sorry...

... Cuando alguien, digamos... toma una decisión por mi (Aunque no es exactamente eso lo que está pasando, pero es algo así, tampoco quiero entrar en detalle.), me produce sentimientos encontrados.

• No sé si me da por sentado, si cree que voy a hacer cualquier cosa que esta persona quiera y cree que no hace falta preguntar si estoy de acuerdo.
• No sé si confía en que voy a aceptar pero si le digo 'No, no quiero hacer esto.' va a aceptar como me siento sin ningún problema.

Realmente no sé... Pero, esta persona es importante para mi y no quisiera decirle que no, simplemente... hay cosas que no puedo hacer. Me encantaría poder, pero no puedo. Y el hecho de que empiece a planear todo sin preguntarme me duele, me siento presionada...
¿Está bien decir que no? Sí, está bien, lo sé... lo que en realidad me pregunto es si esta persona estará bien si le digo que no... No quiero que se enoje conmigo, quiero ser capaz de hacer cosas pero esto en particular es algo que no puedo hacer.

When someone... let's say... makes a decision for me (Though this isn't exactly what is happening, but it's something like that, I don't want to go into detail.), gives me mixed feelings.

• I don't know if this person it's taking me for granted and assumes that I'll do anything they want and believes there is no need to ask me if I agree.
• I don't know if this person if it's person trusts me, and trusts that I will agree, but even if I say 'No, I'm not doing this." will accept what I feel without any problem.

I really don't know... But , this person is important to me and I don't want to say no, it's just... there are things I can't do. I'd love to, but I can't. And when they began to plan everything without asking me it hurts, I feel I'm being pushed... 

Is it okay to say no? Yeah, it's okay , I know... what I really wonder is if this person will be fine if you say no... I don't want them to be angry with me, I want to be able to do things but this in particular is something that I can't do.

What is right and what is wrong?

A couple of times you told me about your fear of being replaced and I... told you the truth, that I wouldn't replace you and that I'd be terribly sad if you left. Sometimes I wonder if you believed me or even if you cared.

I constantly try to avoid doing some things that might make you feel left out. Have you ever notice that? And all the same, you are doing things that hurt me, a little to be honest, but it still hurts even if I know that you don't want to hurt me. I simply wish you had the same considerations that I have with you.

...Maybe it is my fault, because I never told you that I fear the same as you.

Perhaps I should tell you but that doesn't guarantee me that you will act in the same way I do. I don't want to ask you directly because I feel that feels... unfair. I shouldn't ask for equality because, being honest, what I do is by my own choice, you never asked me any of that.

I just want you to realize... that you are truly important to me. And if I am of any importance to you, I'd like you to show it with your actions. But sometimes I find it impossible to tell if what I want is right or if it's wrong, so I'd rather not to say anything to you.

Sad and Stupid...

Lately I feel that I'm annoying you...

I know it's not a weird feeling, because I'm aware that I can be annoying and usually I feel like I annoy everyone.

But I don't care about everyone else, I just don't want to annoy you.

"Are you okay with it?"

NO, IT BOTHERS ME, IT BOTHERS ME A LOT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? 

I'm going to let you do it, because I know you want that and it makes you happy... Besides, it shouldn't bother me... I think a lot about it and it shouldn't bother me. 

I hate when you do that, but I love that you asked me. That means that if I say no you aren't going to do it, right? I hope so, at least... I'm never going to know because I already said yes. And I don't regret it, because I hate being bothered by things that shouldn't bother me.

The only thing I ask, is that you have to keep being the same towards me, okay? Just that, that's all I want, I won't feel replaced that way...

Unsent messages.

I feel bad, partly because I can't tell even half of the things I want...

And the only I have to actually put it into worlds is here, I don't know why but... it's so difficult to tell you this directly I don't even know if you read this blog I can't continue keeping everything to myself because it's painful.

But even with the distance or for the short time we know each other I really appreciate you, I admire you and you mean a lot to me.

Do you know how is it like when you feel nothing? When there's nothing you want to do? You're nothing and everything just happens around you and you're never part of that, but it doesn't ever matter to you because at some point you don't even know how hollow you are...

... but then you start feeling something. Even if it doesn't make sense, even if it looks stupid for the rest of the world... I am starting to be happy now, somehow thanks to you. I don't even understand why... but I'm really happy when we talk... it doesn't matter if it's the most pointless chat in the world, if it's the shortest conversation, I don't care because the fact that we're talking is enough to make me smile.

I feel motivated to actually try to live, I'm trying to find a job, though I can't get any because I'm useless... but I try, I try because I want to have money to travel and get to meet you some day. Just because of that, I'm really pathetic and stupid, don't you think? To be like this, to hold on to you so desperately...

But you know what? It's okay to be this stupid, because at least I'm a happy idiot and I have a reason to do things, though if it's hard...

And it really hurt me when I can tell you this things, you have no idea how painfull it is... Especially when you're sad because I feel that I don't even deserve to be your friend if I can't help you.

I feel like the worse.... but I don't want to be empty again... but what can I do if I'm not brave enough to talk to you now?

I'm not brave enough to do the only thing that really makes me happy...