Idiotas. / Idiots.

A veces siento que no sé cómo mantener una conversación. ¿Es muy estúpido esto o le pasa a mucha gente?
Me pasa en particular que tengo muchas ganas de hablar con alguien y cuando la oportunidad llega mi mente se queda en blanco y ya no sé qué decir. O quizás tengo muchas cosas para decir, cosas que pensé en comentarle y cosas que se me ocurren en el momento pero pienso que esta persona va a pensar que es estúpido o por ahí ni siquiera estoy segura de cómo hablar de eso, cómo meterlo en la conversación o no puedo elegir de qué quiero hablar primero y... no digo nada.
Igual no me siento tan mal porque... Tengo la sensación de que a él también le pasa lo mismo, siento que quiere hablar conmigo pero tampoco sabe qué decir. En ese caso somos dos estúpidos que no saben que decirse, no sé si será bueno pero un poco me tranquiliza pensar que no soy la única.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to have a conversation. Is this stupid or it happens to everybody?
It happens in particular when I really want to talk to someone and when the opportunity comes my mind goes blank and I don't know what to say. Or maybe I have many things in mind to say, things I thought before I'd talk about, and things that come to mind at the moment but I think this person will think it's stupid or I'm not even sure how to talk about it, how to put it in the conversation or I can't choose what I want to talk about first, and... I end up without saying anything.
Anyway I don't feel that bad because... I have the feeling that this also happens the same to this person, I feel like he wants to talk to me but he doesn't know what to say. In this case we are two idiots who don't know what to say to each other, I don't know if it's a good thing but it reassures me to know that I'm not the only one.

No puedo. Lo siento... / I can't. I'm sorry...

... Cuando alguien, digamos... toma una decisión por mi (Aunque no es exactamente eso lo que está pasando, pero es algo así, tampoco quiero entrar en detalle.), me produce sentimientos encontrados.

• No sé si me da por sentado, si cree que voy a hacer cualquier cosa que esta persona quiera y cree que no hace falta preguntar si estoy de acuerdo.
• No sé si confía en que voy a aceptar pero si le digo 'No, no quiero hacer esto.' va a aceptar como me siento sin ningún problema.

Realmente no sé... Pero, esta persona es importante para mi y no quisiera decirle que no, simplemente... hay cosas que no puedo hacer. Me encantaría poder, pero no puedo. Y el hecho de que empiece a planear todo sin preguntarme me duele, me siento presionada...
¿Está bien decir que no? Sí, está bien, lo sé... lo que en realidad me pregunto es si esta persona estará bien si le digo que no... No quiero que se enoje conmigo, quiero ser capaz de hacer cosas pero esto en particular es algo que no puedo hacer.

When someone... let's say... makes a decision for me (Though this isn't exactly what is happening, but it's something like that, I don't want to go into detail.), gives me mixed feelings.

• I don't know if this person it's taking me for granted and assumes that I'll do anything they want and believes there is no need to ask me if I agree.
• I don't know if this person if it's person trusts me, and trusts that I will agree, but even if I say 'No, I'm not doing this." will accept what I feel without any problem.

I really don't know... But , this person is important to me and I don't want to say no, it's just... there are things I can't do. I'd love to, but I can't. And when they began to plan everything without asking me it hurts, I feel I'm being pushed... 

Is it okay to say no? Yeah, it's okay , I know... what I really wonder is if this person will be fine if you say no... I don't want them to be angry with me, I want to be able to do things but this in particular is something that I can't do.

Sueños tristes. / Sad dreams.

Últimamente estoy teniendo sueños que me dejan deprimida, encima no es que sean trágicos o sean pesadillas... Quizás a la mayoría le resulten tonterías pero yo al despertar me siento un poco mal.
El sueño de ayer me hizo plantearme ¿Qué tal si la persona a la que más queremos hubiera sido más feliz si nunca lo hubiéramos conocido? Quizás si ese sueño fue triste en verdad, lo compartí en tumblr y un par de personas dijeron que los deprimió, tuvo varios me gusta.
Pero hoy... Hoy soñé que los tickets de avión para ir a Estados Unidos costaban $30, porque como todo el mundo iba siempre bajaban el precio. Parece que mi mente se rige por las leyes económicas de nuestro mundo, en fin... Como en ese sueño yo tenía trabajo, aunque no ganara mucho podía ir cuando quisiera, realmente me hacía feliz poder viajar... Entonces cuando me desperté me puse triste porque ni siquiera sé si podré viajar una sola vez en mi vida...

Lately I'm having these dreams that make me feel sad, and it's not that tragic and it's not even a nightmare... Perhaps most people think it's nonsense but I'm sad when I wake up.
The dream of yesterday made me wonder what if the person you love the most would have been happier if they had never met you? Maybe that dream was actually really sad, I shared it on tumblr and a couple of people said that it depressed them and several people liked it.
But today... Today I dreamed that the fligh tickets to go to United States costed $30, because as everyone always went there the price fell. It seems my mind isn't governed by economic laws of our world, anyway... In this dream I had a job, even if the salary wasn't the best I could travel whenever I wanted and I was really happy... But then when I woke up quite sad, because I'm not even sure if I'll be able to travel at least once in my life...

Resfriado. / Cold.

Estos cambios bruscos de clima son jodidos. Mi nariz no deja de gotear, estornudo a cada rato y con cada estornudo siento que los pulmones están por salirse de mi boca. Me agarra demasiado frío y me tapo con todo lo que encuentro, entonces empiezo a transpirar pero si me saco la más mínima prenda de ropa me muero de frío otra vez.
Tengo tres gatos, cada vez que me enfermo así los tres deciden dormir en mi cama. La verdad no entiendo si es que sienten que estoy débil y vienen a acompañarme para 'cuidarme' o solo esperan el momento perfecto para matarme y alimentarse con mi cuerpo para luego reclamar mi pieza como su territorio, no sé... Los quiero mucho, pero me jode no poder moverme en mi propia cama.
Igual estoy feliz... físicamente no podría estar más incómoda pero hay ciertas cosas y personas que igual me alegran el día.

These abrupt weather changes screw me up. My nose won't stop dripping, I'm sneezing all the time and I feel I'm going to sneeze my lungs out. I feel too cold and I cover myself with everything I find, then I start to sweat but if I take the smallest piece of clothing I'm dying of cold again.
I have three cats, every time I get sick the three of them decide to sleep in my bed. The truth is that I don't understand if they feel my weakness so they come here to 'take care' me or if they are just waiting for the perfect moment to kill me and feed themselves with my death body so they can claim my room as their territory, I don't know... I love them a lot, but it bothers me because I can't move in my own bed.
Anyway, I'm happy... physically I couldn't be more uncomfortable but there are certain things and people that just make my day.

Superpoder / Superpower

Siento que tengo un superpoder pero nadie me toma en serio. Eso sí, después suelen arrepentirse... ¿Cuál es mi poder? Ser extremadamente perceptiva, sí, así de simple pero puede resultar muy útil. De inmediato me doy cuenta sobre ciertas cosas de una persona, principalmente si es de mi agrado, si es alguien digamos inmaduro, si es agradable, si es irritable, entre otras cosas.
A veces me dicen que en realidad estoy prejuzgando, es por esa razón que me callo lo que percibo hasta que tengo alguna prueba más sólida para respaldar lo que pienso. O sí piensan lo contrario, piensan que confío en alguien muy rápido, en fin... Nunca podés conformar a la gente.
Ahora me siento un poco mal, porque cuando empecé a hablar con esta piba me pareció desagradable, demasiado molesta y ligeramente inmadura. Esa fue mi primera impresión... Un amigo se siente muy mal por culpa de ella, entonces me pregunto ¿Podría haberle ahorrado el sufrimiento si te le hubiera dicho? Tal vez no me hubiera creído o de todas formas hubiese decidido darle una oportunidad a la señorita, en fin... tampoco surgió ningún momento en el que pudiera decirle lo que pensaba. Si se lo decía porque sí de seguro iba a creer que era por celos o algo así.

I feel I have a superpower but no one takes me seriously. Well that's at first, usually they regret it afterwars... What's my power? Being extremely perceptive, yes, simple but it can be very useful. I immediately realize certain things about a person, like if they are to my liking, if someone it's, let's say, immature, if it's nice, if it's irritable, among other things.
Sometimes people say that I am actually prejudging, for that reason I don't usually say what I sense until I have a more solid proof to support what I feel. Other times they think otherwise, they say that I trust very quickly in someone. Well ... you can never make people happy.
Now I feel kind of bad, because when I started talking to this chick I found her very unpleasant, too pushy and slightly immature. That was my first impression... A friend feels very bad because of her at the moment, so I wonder if I could've saved him from that suffering if I had told him what I felt. Maybe he wouldn't have believed me or anyway he would've decided to give a chance to this young lady, but in any case... I never had the chance to explain him that. If I had said something like that just because, maybe he would've thought it was jealousy or something.

What is right and what is wrong?

A couple of times you told me about your fear of being replaced and I... told you the truth, that I wouldn't replace you and that I'd be terribly sad if you left. Sometimes I wonder if you believed me or even if you cared.

I constantly try to avoid doing some things that might make you feel left out. Have you ever notice that? And all the same, you are doing things that hurt me, a little to be honest, but it still hurts even if I know that you don't want to hurt me. I simply wish you had the same considerations that I have with you.

...Maybe it is my fault, because I never told you that I fear the same as you.

Perhaps I should tell you but that doesn't guarantee me that you will act in the same way I do. I don't want to ask you directly because I feel that feels... unfair. I shouldn't ask for equality because, being honest, what I do is by my own choice, you never asked me any of that.

I just want you to realize... that you are truly important to me. And if I am of any importance to you, I'd like you to show it with your actions. But sometimes I find it impossible to tell if what I want is right or if it's wrong, so I'd rather not to say anything to you.

Sad and Stupid...

Lately I feel that I'm annoying you...

I know it's not a weird feeling, because I'm aware that I can be annoying and usually I feel like I annoy everyone.

But I don't care about everyone else, I just don't want to annoy you.

"Are you okay with it?"

NO, IT BOTHERS ME, IT BOTHERS ME A LOT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? 

I'm going to let you do it, because I know you want that and it makes you happy... Besides, it shouldn't bother me... I think a lot about it and it shouldn't bother me. 

I hate when you do that, but I love that you asked me. That means that if I say no you aren't going to do it, right? I hope so, at least... I'm never going to know because I already said yes. And I don't regret it, because I hate being bothered by things that shouldn't bother me.

The only thing I ask, is that you have to keep being the same towards me, okay? Just that, that's all I want, I won't feel replaced that way...

Escapar. / Escape.

No quiero estar acá... No quiero estar acá... No quiero estar acá...

Es un pensamiento constante que tengo, no quiero estar acá, no sé que quiero hacer, no sé a dónde quiero ir ni si hay un lugar al que realmente quiera ir, solo sé que no puedo estar acá, no quiero.

No importa si todo parece ir bien y nada malo está pasando, ese pensamiento solo aparece. De alguna manera me siento atrapada y quiero huir... ¿Pero a dónde puedo ir? No tengo ningún lugar a dónde ir. El único camino que veo posible es...

Pero no quiero pensar en eso, porque me doy cuenta de que no está bien. Intento olvidarme, distraerme y pensar en otra cosa pero siempre vuelve.

I don't want to be here... I don't want to be here... I don't want to be here... 

That's a constant thought that I have, I don't want to be here, I don't know what I want to do, I don't know where I want to go or if there's actually a place I want to go, I just know that I can't be here, I don't want to.

It doesn't matter if everything seems fine and nothing wrong is going on, that thought simply appears. Somehow I feel trapped and I want to run away... But where can I go? I have no place to go. The only possible way I see is... 

But I don't want to think about that, because I realize that it is not right. I try to forget, try to get distracted and think of anything else but it always returns.

Cambios de humor. / Mood swings.

Hay días en los que simplemente me siento feliz, muy feliz de verdad y pienso que nada malo puede pasar ese día, pero de repente cambia, se vuelve lo contrario. Entonces quiero llorar, llorar y llorar... Antes podría haber abrazado a cualquier que me cruzara y de repente tengo reacciones violentas, de tirar algo con fuerza o romperlo porque sí.
A veces el cambio es por absolutamente nada, a veces por alguna pequeñez y otras por razones verdaderamente serias. Pero de cualquier manera es igual de horrible.
... Y no me gusta ser así.

There are days when I simply feel happy, very happy and I think that nothing bad can happen that day, but suddenly it changes and becomes the opposite. So I want to cry, cry and cry... Before I could've hugged me any person that crossed my path and now I have sudden violent reactions, I throw thing violently or break it just because.
Sometimes this change is because absolutely nothing, sometimes for some small reason and others times because of truly serious reasons. But either way it's just as horrible.
... And I hate being like this.

Unsent messages.

I feel bad, partly because I can't tell even half of the things I want...

And the only I have to actually put it into worlds is here, I don't know why but... it's so difficult to tell you this directly I don't even know if you read this blog I can't continue keeping everything to myself because it's painful.

But even with the distance or for the short time we know each other I really appreciate you, I admire you and you mean a lot to me.

Do you know how is it like when you feel nothing? When there's nothing you want to do? You're nothing and everything just happens around you and you're never part of that, but it doesn't ever matter to you because at some point you don't even know how hollow you are...

... but then you start feeling something. Even if it doesn't make sense, even if it looks stupid for the rest of the world... I am starting to be happy now, somehow thanks to you. I don't even understand why... but I'm really happy when we talk... it doesn't matter if it's the most pointless chat in the world, if it's the shortest conversation, I don't care because the fact that we're talking is enough to make me smile.

I feel motivated to actually try to live, I'm trying to find a job, though I can't get any because I'm useless... but I try, I try because I want to have money to travel and get to meet you some day. Just because of that, I'm really pathetic and stupid, don't you think? To be like this, to hold on to you so desperately...

But you know what? It's okay to be this stupid, because at least I'm a happy idiot and I have a reason to do things, though if it's hard...

And it really hurt me when I can tell you this things, you have no idea how painfull it is... Especially when you're sad because I feel that I don't even deserve to be your friend if I can't help you.

I feel like the worse.... but I don't want to be empty again... but what can I do if I'm not brave enough to talk to you now?

I'm not brave enough to do the only thing that really makes me happy...