Unsent messages.

I feel bad, partly because I can't tell even half of the things I want...

And the only I have to actually put it into worlds is here, I don't know why but... it's so difficult to tell you this directly I don't even know if you read this blog I can't continue keeping everything to myself because it's painful.

But even with the distance or for the short time we know each other I really appreciate you, I admire you and you mean a lot to me.

Do you know how is it like when you feel nothing? When there's nothing you want to do? You're nothing and everything just happens around you and you're never part of that, but it doesn't ever matter to you because at some point you don't even know how hollow you are...

... but then you start feeling something. Even if it doesn't make sense, even if it looks stupid for the rest of the world... I am starting to be happy now, somehow thanks to you. I don't even understand why... but I'm really happy when we talk... it doesn't matter if it's the most pointless chat in the world, if it's the shortest conversation, I don't care because the fact that we're talking is enough to make me smile.

I feel motivated to actually try to live, I'm trying to find a job, though I can't get any because I'm useless... but I try, I try because I want to have money to travel and get to meet you some day. Just because of that, I'm really pathetic and stupid, don't you think? To be like this, to hold on to you so desperately...

But you know what? It's okay to be this stupid, because at least I'm a happy idiot and I have a reason to do things, though if it's hard...

And it really hurt me when I can tell you this things, you have no idea how painfull it is... Especially when you're sad because I feel that I don't even deserve to be your friend if I can't help you.

I feel like the worse.... but I don't want to be empty again... but what can I do if I'm not brave enough to talk to you now?

I'm not brave enough to do the only thing that really makes me happy...